Do you know how horrible it is to stay up late at night remembering. Just simply remembering every single moment in the past year that you regret and being scared out of your life hoping it doesn’t happen again. Just laying in bed your eyes full of tears and your body shaking like if you’re about to fall apart and you’re 110% sure that in the next 5 seconds you’re going to crumble into a million pieces. And then replaying all the moments that you thought were past you and you use to be so sure didn’t affect you at all. Having the hate that was inside you just turn to utter sadness in less than five seconds. And how did this all start? By daydreaming. Just thinking of a flower surrounded by trees and forest. That flower that tore me apart. It reminded me of everything. Valentines day.. I’m scared… I’m afraid of what it might bring this year. It’s sad to sit here and just KNOW that I’m going to cry myself to sleep that night. I just know it. Then I remember last year… How happy I was for no absolute reason. I shouldn’t have been happy but I was. Even though my heart broke that very day. But I was naive. I still am.. And then later on… Do you know how much it hurts to finally fall in love with someone that you should’ve been in love with already and exactly a week later they break your heart and disappear forever. They take back everything they had once said and tell you straight to your face that they don’t love you anymore. That you don’t matter. That you simply weren’t enough and never will be. And all you want to do is hide in a dark cold lonely corner somewhere at the end of the world and cry your eyes out and claw at your skin hoping that the horrible feeling of not being wanted and knowing you never will be and feeling disgusted with yourself would just go away. You just want to claw out until you feel nothing and you are nothing. And them maybe, just maybe, you will feel like there might be a soul in the world that will love you. But you know that won’t ever happen so you just keep clawing but it won’t go away. And all of a sudden you don’t feel anything. And everything is gone. And nothing matters. And all you can do is feel numb. And you stare. Stare at nothing. And next thing you know it’s time to come out of that corner. It’s time to come back to reality. And there’s a smile plastered onto your face. Nobody knows its fake. Everyone believes your laughter is real and sincere. And you end up being the only one knowing what you’re hiding inside. Then all you feel like is a monster inside yourself. Then you’re gone. There is no you. There is no nothing. It’s over… It’s gone. And it might just never come back. But you’re too far gone to ever care… So you don’t.